voor mij

I knew my genetics would catch up with me one day,
this time I won't let it break me apart, but, I'm starting to change for better or for worse.
I made the decision to let it in a bit, and naturally, this is what was going to happen.
we'll see

high off paint fumes

Alright, in moving I really want to leave certia parts of me behind. And for the most part I did that, but it came out a bit tonight in an argument with a, friend (a bit more, but thats a long story) I was really self loathing after that, fucking angry that let someone get to me like that (the italics was unintentional by the way) Then I realized, hey, that didn't have anything to do with my enviroment that is a part of my personality and I like that, as long as I keep it under control. So I called Stephanie, my shining jewel of a best friend to rant on my way to the bodega to get a 40 oz for drew and I (drew is painting a giant graff beehive on one of my walls, because he's amazing like that) Now I am about halfway through the 40 and listening to music while drew paints away and realizing Fuuuuuck this drama, fuck thinking people are irreplacable or that things mean more than they do. I don't act my age, I am too serious and I rarely get fucking smashed and have a fun night. I'm too responsible and uptight. yea. no more.
for this little self revolution I need a playlist. It is as follows.

Atmosphere: spaghetti strapped
"here let me buy you a drink as a tolken of my erection"

Jackson 5 - I want you back
(I really need to find some girlfriends if I want to impliment this into the playlist. The fella's just don't get it)

Aesop Rock- Coffee
"just because I don't want to go to war with you, don't mean go warm un the barbeque"

Brother ali- heads down
because any song about how to give a girl good oral sex deserves a playlist top spot

Boyz 2 men-motown philly
quietly, in my room, with my headphones on, I will dance.

Common ft lilly allen- drivin me wild
strange alliance, but it puts me in the perfect chill mood

A tribe called quest - scenerio
a classic, the remix with busta isn't something to complain about either

stack bundles- n**** you food
bangin on both sides

tegan and sarah-frozen
adorable.

alright this is getting to be boring as hell and i'm about 3/4 on the 40
have a good night!

self defense

I think its unfortunate how the majority of people view sexual exploration. I didn't realize how much our enviroment social experience/group classification effects our sexual interest and approach to it. Even the difference between Utah and New York is huge. In SLC, i felt that my own experiences there were much more repressed and awkward which, considering I'm a bit of a hussy, i gathered must be culturally influenced. Here, people, from my limited experience, are much more sexually comfortable and confident. They know what they want, what they like, and are not afraid to share that with the other person. And oddly, for the first time I feel like I'm put in situations where I am able to voice that as well without repression. Sorry for the graphic nature of this post, but even the difference of genre's of people (and I don't care what you say, genre's exist. electro, hip-hop, rap, house, emo, hardcore, metal, I am not trying to limit anyone or judge by categorizing but it has proven to be nothing short of prevelent and until proven otherwise in a majority standpoint, I see it as applicable) seems to have a huge influence on what they like sexually and whether or not they feel comfortable expressing that, or, if they're even aware of what they like. I think a lot of what makes us who we are, are our carnal instincts. Fight or flight, raw reactions, and sexually based instincts and desires. Now i'm not saying its wise to act on all of these, if that were the case I would be a violent, territorial nightmare, but I'm saying its things I think we should be more in touch with our carnal instincts to better understand and build ourselves in every aspects. what the fuck do I know, its christmas and i'm in my pj's smoking papers that had pickle juice spilled on them and writing a blog.

bangin on both sides

Yea, for a girly dressing guy/girl I sure do like masculine assholes. HEEERE WE GO AGAIN! nothing to say, except its fucking cold as fucking hell. Deg's doing alright, he's terrified of the train and acts like its the apocolyps every time we pass broadway, and he's being a pansy ass around puppy (the cat) but we all knew he was a sissy behind those crazy eyes. The trip home was good for me, made me realize that although I have no friends here, and get lost when I walk around the block, at least I'm not in SLC. (no offense, I love you kids, but that place just wasn't for me) Shitty update. Blogs don't seem nearly as exciting as the fancy beer I'm drinking so I made a half ass effort.

random ass shit.

I think an issue with me not fully wanting to go to school is a rebellion against fufillment through careers. Ridiculous rebellion, I know, but a big part of me is saying "fuck that, I don't want to be one of those assholes who feel as though their career is their life and the center of their achievement" and I know, again, ridiculous. Part two of me says "I don't want to sit in class next to these assholes who parent's paid for their school, pay their rent, andunknowingly pay for their coke habit" I don't know what I want, I do know that besides in a sexual sense, I am not an feminin girl. Don't get angry stephie gender studies love, I don't mean it in the sense of "girls have to be one way and guys another" but, for better or worse, they are usually different. I just don't feel as thought I often think and react the way a girl would. I sometimes do when it comes to romantic situations, but I think that may be about it, and that is not often. I think if I was male, I would be living a very different life.

amen

I hate dating.

either its a formal, meet, exchange numbers, and meet again at a designated time and place wherein there is a few hours of awkward conversation followed by an ungodly long goodbye in which either a hug, kiss on the cheek, or kiss takes place, followed by a week of staring at your phone wondering if the anxiety is worth it.

or there is the run into eachother, hang out from that point (usually involving beer) and find an excuse to go to one or the other's house and have sex, followed by the awkward morning after ritual of "so was that a one night stand or am I actually going to hear from this person again?" followed by a week of staring at your phone wondering if the anxiety is worth it.

With the first, you don't end up feeling like a hussy, but with the second you get some action out of the deal, making it fairly redeemable if you never hear from the person again.

regardless, masturbation is clearly the better choice.

I'm also considering saying fuck it, and opening a mom and pop shop selling local (slc) clothing, graff shoes, tables, records, street art displayed, coffee shop/bike parts/frames (bmx, not fixed gears, sorry kids)
wish I could make up my mind, yo